approx. 7 min read
My parents never argued. I hated it. They never openly dealt with conflict, but simply kept things bottled up. For us children, that was pure psychological terror, because the unspoken tensions were constantly palpable, but no one ever talked about them. That is exactly why the topic of a "healthy conflict culture" is so close to my heart today.
I firmly believe that all emotions are justified. If that weren't the case, evolution would surely have freed us from one or another emotion. Anger, in particular, has a very unique quality for me. It sometimes feels like a summer thunderstorm – intense, loud, and stormy, but when it is over, the air smells particularly good afterward. It is as if anger clears the way for clarity and fresh thoughts.
I used to try to avoid arguments myself because I thought that was the right way. But I have learned that the opposite is true: arguing is important for my children's development. It gives them the opportunity to learn how to deal with their emotions and resolve conflicts fairly. Today, I no longer intervene to end an argument immediately, and I do not take sides. Instead, I listen attentively and often repeat my children's viewpoints so that they can recognize for themselves what is important to them and how they can deal with it.
I want to teach my children that it is okay to be angry and express it – as long as respect is maintained. Because only by openly dealing with conflicts do they learn that solutions can be found even in stormy moments.
Why is arguing important?
Arguing sounds negative at first, but it has an important function. My children learn so much about themselves and others through arguing. Psychologists repeatedly say that conflicts are not only normal but also necessary for childhood development. Children must learn to express their feelings, deal with frustration, and find compromises – and that is exactly what happens in an argument.
Recognizing and expressing emotions
I have often observed that my children only truly realize what bothers them through an argument. By expressing their anger, they learn to recognize and understand their emotions. This helps them put these feelings into words, which I consider incredibly important. When my son is angry because he is not allowed to go first on the swing, he learns to say it too: “I am angry because it is not my turn.” This is a big step in his emotional development.
Building frustration tolerance
One of the most important aspects I have learned in dealing with my children is that arguing also helps build frustration tolerance. Yes, it is not always easy when you do not get what you want. But that is part of life. Children must learn to deal with this frustration and not give up immediately. Especially my younger son often reacts with great disappointment when something does not go according to his expectations. But the more often he learns through arguing that not everything always goes perfectly, the better he can deal with setbacks.
Arguing fairly and finding solutions
One of the greatest lessons I want to teach my children is that arguing is not about winning. Instead, it is about finding fair solutions. Often, it comes down to how they treat each other. Staying respectful, even when you are angry, is a skill we practice again and again. It is important to me that they not only keep their own needs in mind, but also learn to understand the other person's point of view.
Psychologist John Gottman once said: "Children who learn to resolve conflicts respectfully develop deeper social bonds and are emotionally more stable."
This sentence hits the nail on the head for me. Because it is not just about the argument being over, but how it is ended.
How we developed a good conflict culture in our family
It took a while before I found the right way for us to deal with conflicts in our family. It is a process that does not always go perfectly, but over time we have established a few things that help us argue better with each other.
Being a role model
The first thing I learned: children learn by imitation. They watch us adults closely, how we deal with conflicts. When I catch myself getting loud or arguing unfairly, I try to correct it immediately. I show them that I make mistakes too and can apologize for them. This way, they see that it is okay to make mistakes, as long as you are willing to work on them.
Rules for arguing
In our home, there are a few clear rules for arguing: No one is insulted, everyone gets to finish talking, and we do not yell at each other. These rules apply to everyone, including me and my husband. This helps the children keep the argument within a fair framework. Of course, it does not always work, but over time they understand better why these rules are important.
Naming emotions
I have noticed that it helps my children when I put their feelings into words. When my son is angry, I say: “I see that you are angry because you are not allowed to go first on the swing.” This often takes some of the pressure out of the situation. They feel understood, and that makes it easier to talk about a solution. It is also an important lesson in emotional intelligence – a skill that will accompany them throughout their lives. Recently, I really got loud because the boys came home much too late, but they did not have their smartwatch with them. Very quietly, after my outburst, they went into their room. After a few minutes and a significantly lower heart rate, I went after them and apologized. “We talked about it. You weren't angry at all. You yelled at us because you were so scared for us.” We then hugged and had a good cry.
Finding solutions together
Instead of always suggesting solutions myself, I often let my children look for their own solutions. I ask: “How could you solve the problem?” or “What would be a fair solution for both of you?” This strengthens their sense that they can take responsibility themselves, and promotes their problem-solving skills.
Reconciling after the argument
An important point for us is reconciliation after the argument. It is important to me that the children have the chance to apologize or simply talk about it again in peace after a conflict. I encourage them not to simply ignore the topic, but to close it together – whether with an “I am sorry” or a hug. This way, they learn that although conflicts are part of life, they are not the end of a relationship.
It was not always easy to bring a healthy conflict culture into our family, but it has been worth it. Today I see how my children learn to resolve conflicts fairly, how they express their emotions, and how they can deal better and better with frustrations. Sure, there are always moments when things get louder or rules are forgotten – but that is normal. What is important to me is that we work on it together as a family, and I see that my children grow through these experiences. And so do I.
Arguing is simply part of family life, and that is a good thing too. Through arguing, children learn so much about themselves, about dealing with others, and about how to treat each other fairly. A good conflict culture does not mean avoiding conflicts, but resolving them constructively. As parents, we have the responsibility to help our children develop these skills.
