My parents never argued. I hated that. They never dealt with conflicts openly, they just kept quiet. It was pure psychological terror for us children, because the unspoken tensions were constantly palpable, but nobody talked about them. This is precisely why the topic of a "healthy culture of conflict" is so important to me today.
I firmly believe that all emotions have their justification. If this were not the case, evolution would certainly have freed us from one emotion or another. Anger in particular has a very special quality for me. It sometimes feels like a summer thunderstorm - intense, loud and stormy, but when it's over, the air smells particularly good afterwards. It's as if anger clears the way for clarity and fresh thoughts.
I used to try to avoid arguments myself because I thought that was the right way. But I've learned that the opposite is true: arguing is important for my children's development. It gives them the opportunity to learn how to deal with their emotions and resolve conflicts fairly. Today, I no longer intervene to end an argument immediately, nor do I take sides. Instead, I listen carefully and often repeat my children's points of view so that they can recognize for themselves what is important to them and how they can deal with it.
I want to teach my children that it's okay to be angry and express it - as long as respect is maintained. After all, it is only by dealing with conflicts openly that they learn that solutions can be found even in stormy moments.
Why is arguing important?
Arguing sounds negative at first, but it has an important function. My children learn so much about themselves and others by arguing. Psychologists keep saying that conflict is not only normal, but also necessary for children's development. Children have to learn to express their feelings, deal with frustration and find compromises - and that's exactly what happens in arguments.
Perceiving and expressing emotions
I have often observed that my children only really realize what is bothering them when they have an argument. By expressing their anger, they learn to recognize and understand their emotions. This helps them to put these feelings into words, which I think is incredibly important. When my son is angry because he's not allowed on the swing first, he learns to say: "I'm angry because it's not my turn." That's a big step in his emotional development.
Build up frustration tolerance
One of the most important things I've learned in dealing with my children is that arguing also helps build frustration tolerance. Yes, it's not always easy when you don't get what you want. But that's part of life. Children have to learn to deal with this frustration and not give up immediately. My younger son in particular often reacts with great disappointment when something doesn't go his way. But the more often he learns through arguments that not everything always goes perfectly, the better he can deal with setbacks.
Arguing fairly and finding solutions
One of the biggest lessons I want to teach my children is that arguing is not about winning. Instead, it's about finding fair solutions. It often comes down to how they treat each other. Remaining respectful, even when angry, is a skill that we practise again and again. It's important to me that they not only focus on their own needs, but also learn to understand the other person's point of view.
The psychologist John Gottman once said: "Children who learn to resolve conflicts respectfully develop deeper social bonds and are more emotionally stable."
This sentence hits the nail on the head for me. Because it's not just about the dispute being over, but how it ends.
How we developed a good culture of debate in our family
It took me a while to find the right way to deal with conflict in our family. It's a process that doesn't always go perfectly, but over time we've established a few things that help us to argue better with each other.
Be a role model
The first thing I learned: Children learn by imitation. They watch us adults closely to see how we deal with conflicts. If I catch myself being loud or arguing unfairly, I try to correct this immediately. I show them that I also make mistakes and can apologize for them. That way, they see that it's okay to make mistakes as long as you're prepared to work on them.
Rules for the dispute
We have a few clear rules for arguing at home: No one is insulted, everyone is allowed to finish, and we don't shout at each other. These rules apply to everyone, including me and my husband. This helps the children to keep the arguments within a fair framework. Of course, it doesn't always work, but over time they understand better why these rules are important.
Naming emotions
I have noticed that it helps my children when I put their feelings into words. When my son is angry, I say: "I can see that you're angry because you're not allowed on the swings first." That often takes some of the pressure out of the situation. They feel understood and that makes it easier to talk about a solution. It's also an important lesson in emotional intelligence - a skill that will stay with them for life. The other day I got really loud because the boys came home way too late but didn't have their smartwatch with them. They quietly went into their room after my outburst. After a few minutes and a much lower pulse rate, I went after them and apologized. "We talked about it. You weren't angry at all. You were yelling at us because you were so scared for us." We then hugged and cried for a while.
Finding solutions together
Instead of always suggesting solutions myself, I often let my children look for their own solutions. I ask: "How could you solve the problem?" or "What would be a fair solution for both of you?" This strengthens their sense of responsibility and encourages their problem-solving skills.
Reconciling after the dispute
One important point for us is reconciliation after a dispute. It's important to me that the children have the chance to apologize after a conflict or simply talk about it again in peace. I encourage them not to simply ignore the issue, but to bring it to a close together - whether with an "I'm sorry" or a hug. In this way, they learn that conflicts are part of life, but they are not the end of a relationship.
It wasn't always easy to bring a healthy culture of conflict into our family, but it was worth it. Today, I can see how my children are learning to resolve conflicts fairly, how to express their emotions and how to deal with frustration better and better. Of course, there are always moments when things get louder or rules are forgotten - but that's normal. The important thing for me is that we work on this together as a family and I can see that my children are growing through these experiences. And me too.
Arguing is simply part of family life, and that's a good thing. By arguing, children learn so much about themselves, about dealing with others and about how to treat each other fairly. A good argument culture does not mean avoiding conflicts, but resolving them constructively. As parents, we have a responsibility to help our children develop these skills.
