"Mom, he's a stupid idiot!" - Sooner or later, you will probably experience your child using a swear word for the first time. And then you ask yourself the question: How should I react? Is it okay for children to use swear words? And how can I help my child to express their emotions differently?
Scolding is often not that unusual with children and is usually an expression of frustration, anger or simply curiosity. Dealing with this correctly requires sensitivity, as children first have to learn how to deal with intense emotions and express them appropriately. A lot of this is also learning by example - in other words, they learn from others how they speak and react.
Perhaps you know this from your environment: in some families, certain words, such as "sh...", are simply forbidden and they use other expressions instead, such as "wobble". Is that then considered a swear word? The idea behind it is the same, but you appear less rude to the outside world. And what about words like "egg hole"? It sounds innocent, especially because it comes from young children, but do they actually mean the "a..." word? And is it okay then?
As you can see, there are many questions when it comes to swear words. Ultimately, it's about finding a balance between treating people with respect and allowing them to express their emotions.
Why do children use swear words?
Children use swear words for various reasons. They have often picked up these words from their peers, older siblings or adults. Sometimes they simply want to know what reaction such words provoke. Or they are looking for a way to express their frustration or anger if they don't yet have any other words for it.
For children, swear words are a kind of discovery. They notice that these words often provoke strong reactions, be it laughter, indignation or attention. Most of the time, it's not about actually insulting someone, but simply testing how the environment reacts. It is therefore important to remain calm and recognize that the use of swear words is often part of language development.
How should you react?
There's no need to panic if your child uses a swear word. However, how you react is crucial. Here are some tips to help you:
Keep calm
Children watch closely how you react to their actions. If you react with anger or excessive indignation to swear words, you often only increase your child's curiosity or the urge to use the word again. Try to stay calm and not dramatize the situation. A calm approach shows your child that swear words have no special power.
Clarify the background
Ask why your child used this word. Often behind a swear word is a feeling of frustration or anger that he or she could not express in any other way. Help your child to name these emotions: "Are you angry because your brother took the toy away?" In this way, your child learns to put their feelings into words instead of expressing them with swear words.
Establish rules for dealing with language
It is important that your child understands what language is appropriate. Explain to them that swear words can hurt other people. Make it clear that it is perfectly okay to be angry, but that there are better ways to express this anger. Set rules together that help all family members to speak to each other respectfully. This will help your child learn that language has an impact on the well-being of others.
Suggest alternative expressions
Sometimes children simply don't have the right words to express their feelings. They therefore resort to swear words. You can help your child by suggesting alternative expressions. For example, instead of "stupid", they could say: "I'm really angry with you!" or "That made me angry because...". This will help them learn to communicate clearly and respectfully without hurting others.
Expletives as an outlet for strong emotions
It is important to understand that swear words are often an outlet for children's strong emotions. Anger and frustration are normal feelings that children need to learn to deal with. You can help your child to regulate these emotions and find alternative strategies to express their anger.
Psychologists repeatedly emphasize that it is important to teach children that all feelings are allowed - including anger. But they should also learn that it's not okay to hurt others with words. Instead, you can encourage your child to process their anger through words or other healthy ways such as exercise, deep breathing or creative activities.
Reflect on your own role model function
Children imitate the behavior of adults. If you or older siblings regularly use swear words, your child will quickly pick up on this. Therefore, pay attention to how you speak. By treating each other with respect, you will teach your child that hurtful language is not necessary, even in stressful or emotional moments.
Of course, we all slip out a swear word from time to time - that's human nature. It's important that you reflect on such situations and perhaps even explain to your child why you said it and that it wasn't right. This will teach your child that it's okay to make mistakes, but also to take responsibility for their words.
Don't demonize swear words, but steer clear
Swear words have their place in our society and, if used consciously, can even relieve tension or be humorous. However, it is important for children to understand the correct context for certain words. Prohibitions often lead to children becoming even more curious about swear words. Instead of strictly forbidding swear words, help your child understand when certain words are inappropriate and why.
Over the years, we have found our way of dealing with swear words. I use swear words. I used to forbid them to my child - "Those are mummy's words.". Then we agreed to call things by their name. If your favorite team loses badly at soccer, you can say what it is. While we watch soccer alone, we can also let our emotions run free. Sometimes things get heated. However, no players or fans of other teams may be insulted. Even if they can't hear it. So we have found our outlet to let our emotions run free and say all the bad words without anyone getting hurt. And you too will find or have found a way of dealing with swear words that reflects your values and is just right for your family.
